Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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