Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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