my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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