he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
