I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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