I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
