I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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