i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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