Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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