just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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