we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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