Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
