i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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