I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
