saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
