I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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