thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
