they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
