Swine flu. Run for my life!
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
