Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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