I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
