So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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