Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
