it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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