the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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