we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
