Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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