I faked an abortion last night.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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