so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
