Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
