Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
