Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
