right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
