sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
