Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
