Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
