all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
