my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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