Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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