i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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