Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
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