You work out of a Hotel?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize