singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
