I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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