he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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