If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
