I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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