dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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