you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you