You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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