My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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