She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
