God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
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Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
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You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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