my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
