When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
