you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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