Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Two words: blizzard sex
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